Camp Happy and the Unfortunate Experience

Ah well, about the weekend...

I went up to Fossil Rock Campgrounds in Braidwood, IL last Friday to meet up with several good friends of mine, and set up my tent, and had my second scotch poured by the time my friends arrived. Great times, seriously. We grilled, played some bag toss, frisbee, and drank copious amounts of booze.

Saturday morning, I awoke without a hangover and four hours of sleep under my belt. Pretty soon afterward, my friend Jay got up and we started to toss the frisbee back and forth. I was jogging in a field to catch one of his tosses when I stepped into a hole and felt that stomach-churning POP that you associate with rolling your ankle.

So I hopped to the tent, grabbed a plastic bag, filled it with ice, and wrapped this around my foot with my tshirt. All withing two minutes of the initial pop, and the damned thing was already the size of a baseball.

The rest of the day was spent getting some sun in the campsite, sitting on a chair and drinking myself silly. I was upbeat about it, and didn't allow myself time to be down...I figured my friends would find other places to hang if that was the case. SO, the weekend organizers were walking by, saw me in my hobbled state, and decided that I was going to win the "Camp Happy OOPS award". So I had that goin' for me...which is nice.

I have a pair of crutches now. Third degree sprain. Ice compresses. My ankle's fragile like Eric Lindros. SheeeeeeYIT. Guess I might have to take a hiatus from the personal training gig for a week or so. I mean, I have to be able to spot people with heavy weights, and I sure as hell can't when I'm standing on one foot. AAARGH.

Time to stop ignoring my drafting table. And btw-does anyone happen to know a vitamin supplement for strengthening ligaments? Ligaplex?

The Unspoken Rules of Graphic Design

1. Your fonts will default to the worst possible font available on the machine you are showing your work on.

2. If you have two versions of a photo, the wrong one will make its way to the printer.

3. The less time you have the more useless your computer will become.

4. Promises made by the sales staff have no basis in reality.

5. The sales staff will promise anything.

6. If the text consists of two words, one will be misspelled.

7. Speed. Quality. Affordability. Pick any two.

8. If the run is wrong, it's never the press operator's fault.

9. Spell checkers don't.

10. Grammar checkers don't, either.

11. Proof raeders are useless.

12. Global search-and-replaces aren't.

13. The index entry you leave out will be the first one the client looks under.

14. Optical Character Recognition (OCR) is good comedy.

15. If three designs are shown to a client, your least favorite will be chosen or any combination of worst components of each.

16. If two designs are shown, a third will be requested. If provided, then one of the first two will be chosen.

17. If you ask for more copy it will be sent as a .jpg. If you ask for images they will send powerpoint presentations.

18. Clients don't have their company logo in a usable print ready format so don't bother asking.
"but I pulled this gif off of our website, ok? use this."
19. Blue line proofs reveal previously invisible errors.

20. The best designs never survive contact with the client.

21. You will misspell the name of the client's spouse.

22. Your best idea is already copyrighted.

23. The best way to find errors in your code is to show a client "a new feature".

24. There is no stock photo ever made that matches the image you have in your head.

25. Creative inspiration flows in inverse proportion to the distance from the studio.

26. Time allowed to complete work is inversely proportional to time taken by client to work out what to complain about.

27. Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a computer is a graphic designer.

28. No matter how detailed the tech support FAQ is, nobody has ever heard of your problem.

29. The number of colors in a client's design will equal the number of colors in the original bid specs, plus two.

30. The client's disk won't run on your equipment & when it does will contain unusable copyrighted images.

31. If you purchase new equipment to read your client's disk, it will be the last disk of that type you will ever receive.

32. Your client will often not like your design but not quite know why.

33. Computer crashes always happen exactly 30 seconds before saving.

34. A client who knows exactly what he wants is worse than one that has no idea.

35. Clients who do not provide content upfront will complain about the use of Lorem Ipsum.

36. Everything has to be done immediately, deadlines are incredibly important unless client has to provide materials or approve your work.

37. The customer is always right . And an idiot.


There are at least 5 things you could think to add to this list if only you had more time. So go ahead, add them.

(Stolen from Adland.com)

If and when the NHL should begin again...

Sidney Crosby will be hailed as the next great player...much in the way Kobe was hailed as MJ's sucessor in the NBA.

I haven't seen him play, but he's being touted by everyone that has, and I only hope that he doesn't wind up being the next Eric Lindros...solid, but fragile.

Oh, and I also want to point out that Crosby is wearing all Reebok equipment. Nice. I think this is great, because I despise Nike's hockey gear. It's crap.

That's about it. I work today from 2 til close, so if anyone wants to meet up for the late showing of Star Wars (those of you in town), drop me a line.

Another Rejection Slip

Well, I received another response from one of the seven national comic syndicates that I sent off my strip to a few months ago. This time it was the Washington Post Syndicate. I've received five responses now, and of the five, three were personal letters informing me that my strip was being passed upon, one was a phone call from the Tribune editor, and the last was an impersonal rejection slip. Not too bad, I suppose. I think that the Washington Post's comics editor gave me the best feedback that I've received so far, and now I'm going to begin the process of reworking my concept to give myself a better shot at syndication.

Essentially, I need to retool my cast of characters to make the strip resonate a bit more loudly with the readers. I.E., I'm going to drop the two monkeys and maintain focus upon Sterno and Cameron, and keep the strip geared around the crap ass day job, and Sterno's fallible dating life.

Shouldn't be too far of a stretch for me to come up with a few more strips to fill in that void where the monkeys were. Yeah, I loved drawing the two goofy little bastards, but I suppose I can project their rambunctiousness and gamboling into the other characters a little more.

But still...DAMN, I need a full time gig with benefits! :p

These E-mail ads are BULLSHIT

Thought I might give the four hour stiffy a shot after receiving about twenty email ads a day telling me all about it. What the hell, let's try that Propecia, Cialis, Levitra, and whatever else they're selling. I don't think I need any of it, but it's cheap as hell and who am I to pass up a bargain like that?

Oh, and then I decided to look into these great deals on pills that actually ENHANCE my manhood! Sooo...question is, how do you define your manhood? Will these pills give me a new apartment and a nice full time gig with benefits?

What's that? OHHHHH...
OK, and then I figured, wtf, I can always use another college degree, and these are only about $350.00! Beauticians do ok, right? I'll make you look reeeeeeeeal purty. HELLO, University of Phoenix.

I decided to go through ALL the spammage in my inboxes-all four email accounts, and see what I could discern from the randomness. Here's what I discovered-

•Trips to Israel...
"For young men, ages 18-29, Aish HaTorah's 2-4 week introductory program, Essentials, is the perfect start for your spiritual quest. Classes are held in Aish HaTorah's new building directly opposite the Western Wall."
I don't speak/read Hebrew, but what the hey-Let's go check out Israel! CHEAP!

• I could meet a nice Christian single the weekend after I get back from the holy land...
"At WhereChristiansMeet, you can meet like-minded christians that are single like you!"
Uh huh. Seriously...are the religious factions just sending these ads out to complete fucking randoms nowadays? I mean, who would I meet at this site? They obviously don't look too carefully into your background if they send these ads to an email account named redbaboonass99, right?

No, that's not really the account name.

Seriously.

• My $500 Pottery Barn card never showed up, and I think that I may have been tricked into receiving even more spam when I tried getting that thing. All ya have to do is sign up online with your email addy, drop a hundred bucks or so on some stuff from Sears, and they send you the gift card, along with a free iPod. I'm THIS close to taking my hockey stick and going down there to the Pottery Barn...and ask "politely" to receive my card. Bullshit, man. BULLSHIT.

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Yeah, ok. Enough for now. Weekend was ok, I suppose. Went up to Schaumburg on Friday for one of my friend's weddings, and came back early yesterday morning. My head was thobbin', so I slept for a few hours, went out with my pal Teddy who was back in town for the weekend. He wanted to stay out till the wee hours, and I returned home at 3:30am,spent. Today I studied, recuped, and did nothing in general. Fun stuff right?

I just want to say this:
I FUCKING HATE THE NIGHT SCENE HERE.

Unless it's an exceptional evening out, I just get sick of seeing some of the same people everytime I venture out. I'm not saying everyone is a loser, I'm saying that you run into the same people here everytime you go out it seems. The SAME CROWD. Every. Damned. Time.

If it wasn't for the small group of friends I do have in town, I would probably stay in all the time. Yeah. Whoohoo, huh? Pass the razorblades please.

Another Hump Day

hehehe...shoot.

Well, I have to admit, I'm beginning to get a reputation at the gym I work at as being a pretty hard trainer. Considering I only have a half hour per session to make the clients sweat, I squeeze as much effort out of them as I can. And in doing so I have developed some exercises that are guaranteed to make them sweat bullets. Abs, especially. Hell, I was sick for a week and when I began doing these exercises with the clients again this week I was physically trembling from the overload. Yeah, I suppose it's safe to say I'm beginning to really enjoy this job. BUT I NEED A RAISE, DAMN IT!

I am going to Chicago on Friday for a friend's wedding. Or rather, his reception. I believe that I will skip the ceremony and head straight to the party. Is that poor form? I dunno-but what the hell, they'll still get a present from yours truly (NO, it's not a bottle of scotch).

I had a phone call from the gym manager this morning at 6:30, telling me that I would be coming in to work tomorrow at 5am, and working until 9am. Poor friggin clients won't know what hit 'em...but I can tell you guys-it's called a 20 oz mocha with two extra espresso shots. I'lll be dancing a jig behind them as they struggle with the free weights I hand off to 'em. It's called the overload principle. Dig it, bitches.

Rode 20 miles in the park yesterday afternoon, and Shooey joined me for the last 3 or 4 laps. Poor bastard-he's accustomed to riding trails, not chugging up the long hills in the park. I think he'll get to the point where he can keep up, but the starting point is always a bitch. I caught myself slipping into sadistic trainer mode yesterday with him, yelling encouragement at him...

NO COASTING! C'mon Shoo! Hit the hills hard, man! ATTACK THE HILLS!

I have to watch that around friends. They think I'm crazy enough as is. But then, I am crazy, so it all kinda works out in the end.

I was asked by a coworker at the gym to design a logo for his baseball team yesterday. Notice any trend here? He was surprised when I told him it would take more than an hour (hello) and he sure didn't have a budget. So, I came to an agreement where he would buy me a few cases of Fat Tire (picking it up the next time he goes to St Louis), and I will give him something that will look pretty cool on a t shirt. Besides which-I need to amp up my logos on my website, so these are great excuses to do so. And I love Fat Tire.

I love lamp.

Peas.

And another week bites the dust

Good riddance. My throat is better, but not 100%, and I skipped working out all week. I just want to feel normal again. Whatever that means.

Tonight I stepped out onto the side deck and heard two owls hooting loudly. I caught the sihlouette of one as it flew from one oak tree to another, and it must have had a wingspan of about four feet. Pretty impressive. For as much as I like to knock this old hometown of mine, I have to admit that I see much cooler wildlife around the Grove than I ever did in Chicago. I mean, owls, ducks, and chipmunks beat the socks off of possums and rats any day.

I met up for coffee with my pal Shooey today at B&N bookstore. He's dying to get on the Sterno Bike-til-yer-skinny-again plan...so as soon as I kick this bug entirely, we'll hit up the park hardcore. That reminds me-I need to find a good, wireless odometer/spedometer for my bike. My half assed method for judging how far I've travelled was just about the lousiest way to go about things last year. I mean, I can't even tell ya how many extra laps I must have ridden because I lost count (I mean, aside from repeating "seven, seven, seven, seven"...it's easy to miscount)

OK, and another thing- I completely wimped out this weekend. I skipped out on the parties, the bars, and pretty much didn't do anything social either night. I felt lousy, decided that HAD I gone out, I would have been the guy sipping on a coke and watching everyone else get hammered. So no, I opted out.

I have a few new dvd's now though-
About a Boy, Seabiscuit, Garden State, Equilibrium, Finding Neverland, Harold and Kumar, and The Butterfly Effect.

Oh...I saw a job listing for a personal trainer at Gold's Gym in Chicago, on the Gold Coast, for about $45/hr. It requires a 4-year degree (score that), CPR certification (in the plans), and a nationally accredited certification (which I'm studying for now).

Not that I can apply for this one, but these jobs are out there...which is more than I can say about my other career right now.

Oh, and speaking of job listings, I saw an ad in the local newspaper today for the magazine that I used to work for a few months ago, looking for a designer. I threw up in my mouth a little when I read their company name. I'm tempted as hell to subscribe the jagoff owner's email to a porno spam listing...

He smelled terrible, and surfed porn all day behind closed doors. Also berated his wife and employees in public. He did that to me once and although I was staring at him the entire time, waiting for an opportunity to return fire (He was completely in the wrong), he never took his eyes off the table, and then stormed out of the office like a child with a temper tantrum. I resigned post haste.

Seriously, I've only been out of college for about four years, but my terrible experiences in the field of design have led me to believe that landing a great job is practically a pipe dream. I mean...someone asked me today why, if I have a degree in graphic design, am I not employed somewhere full time? I told him (and this is a half truth) that I prefer to be my own creative director. That I prefer not to have to be the account rep's bitch. That I can do what I want, represent myself better than anyone else can, and I know what's going on all the time. Things like that get lost in translation sometimes when you have an office full of employees with their own agenda.

Basically-I enjoy what I'm doing right now, but I could use a raise ;)

So this is what shit feels like...

Ow. My throat is killin' me this week. I suppose it could have been from sleeping underneath my ceiling fan the other night, on top of the covers...but tonight my entire body is one throbbing ache. I think I'll sleep in until 10am tomorrow morning.

The ad agency asked me to do some hurry-up job for them this weekend, and they told me that the logos I designed for them last week went over really well with the client. I should have billed more, damn it ;)

Trained my little old lady today too. She dyed her hair red and was wearing copious amounts of perfume. She likes to wink at me. No longer reminds me of my grandma. Creepin me out now.

I get to work the Saturday shift this weekend at the gym. WhoooooHOOOoooo... I enjoy getting to work at the BCOD (butt crack of dawn). S'ok...next weekend is Chicago-My pal Marciniec is getting hitched...to a corporate fitness consultant! hehe-loads to talk about. I just need to look at the wedding invitation again and figure out what her name was again.

Lauren? Angela? Sara? mmmmmMMMmarsha? shit.

Oh-one more thing... WHY is it that when you have to stay in because you're sick or you have to work the next morning (or both, in my case), there's an instant flood of calls from people that want to hang out, invite you to parties, and try to pressure you into doing what you know you can't do?

Just saying. I'm still waiting on the booty call tonight (the rest of the bases have been covered, so why NOT expect this one?). Sorry, Shoo. Not you.

Something twisted. No more yankie my wanky.

Dude, I don't know. Seriously, don't bother asking. I'm tired and I am crashing out NOW.



All you need to know is that Mr. T is one twisted guy.

Hump day. Yep. I said HUMP.

Well, lets see...where to begin?

My $300 personal training study guide materials arrived yesterday, and now I have no excuses left. I have to study up and pass the ACE certification test. Hey, my salary would gety jacked twice fold with this. Not that that's saying one helluva lot, but it's going to help.

I finally reached my goal of 10 laps in Washington Park yesterday, and I mean 10 laps strong. My legs are back in working order finally, so all I have left is to save up, get a road bike, and possibly an odometer. Not necessarily in that order. Hell, I want all kinds of things...new laptop, new apartment, a dog...but one step at a time.

I haven't spoken much with my pals up in Chi town for a while. Springfield has a notoriety for being the black hole into which people disappear from others up north. I miss the big city...I miss my friends, I miss the nightscene. Hell, I miss my old apartment. Almost a full year since I moved home.

It's 81º outsidew right now. I have to go train some people at 2:30 this afternoon. I'm hitting up laundry right now. I have no energy to do much else than get lunch, clean up, and go into work with a four shot mocha. THEN I'll get some energy.

Yup. Four shots of espresso and I become Richard Simmons' bastard love child.

You get the idea.

My pal Shoo has his own place now...

Congrats Shoo-

Well, your own, with a roommate I meant to say.

And the roommate is already referring to him as Wifey.

It's only a matter of time. Don't fall into that vicious cycle, Shoo...

Abusive relationships are never good.

I could become a COP...

Yeah, the other afternoon one of my clients was telling me I should go down to the municipal building and apply for a job on the police force. She's a cop herself, and pretty cool as well. Locals might recognize her as the woman that did the Crimestoppers commercials for a few years. She thinks I would make a pretty good officer. I don't have the heart to tell her I'm scared as hell of guns. Well, scared of getting stabbed in the neck by a looney, or dealing with some of the trashy people these guys undoubtedly deal with everyday. I lived in Chicago for five years already-I'm jaded enough as is.

Ad agency dug three of the six logos I gave them the other day...nice.

Gym is going smoothly. I get along with everyone that I work with, and anyone that's been out of college for a few years can attest to that being a complete fucking rarity. Nice guys all around. And one female trainer hottie, to boot :)

Went for a good bike ride yesterday...seven laps around the park...about 15 miles or so. I'll be back up to 10-15 laps by mid month. God, I want a road bike.

Mowed the yard too. Can't complain about the small chores when you have weather as great as its been the past two days, right? Like I've said-it beats the HELL outta staring at the sun from behind a window in a cubicle.

New Star Wars Movie is coming SOON!!!!

Oh hell yes. Teddy saw it the other night up in Chicago for a screening, and he said (George Lucas' abysmal attempts at writing dialogue aside) it was awesome.

I'm getting kinda pumped over this, as you can probably see from my webcam posted here.

Ya know...

I'm wishing that I could fast forward the next few weeks or so and just find out what these last remaining comic strip syndicates have to say about my comic strip. I sent out to the six major national syndicates, have been rejected by three, and I am still awaiting word from the last three. At least you KNEW what day Santa would be leaving you presents under the fuckin tree.

Or in my case, coal. Hannukah Harry left me some kick ass argyle socks a few times too. Bless him.

I'm more or less living in a gym nowadays. I swear...I work out with the clientele during the daytime (hell, if I've shown each person how to do ab crunches the correct way, I've done about two hundred by the end of my shift every day). I'm developing that ever elusive six pack, without too much effort. My shoulders, for the same reason as the abs, are bigger than when I was 19-20 and playing ice hockey in college. I'm not bragging, but I AM amused, considering my body at this time last year (225lbs, my all time record lard-osity). The human body is one fucking amazing mechanism. Now I'm just waiting for the weather to warm up again so I can get back out on my bike. Running on the treadmill is one of the most boring, soul sucking activities I can imagine, just behind sitting in front of a monitor for twelve hours a day. I dunno...maybe I'd be happy when I win the lottery and I can travel the globe instead of work?

I have to swing by the local ad agency tomorrow morning and have some logo designs reviewed. I think there might be a few winners, but then again, I thought Lemony Snicket looked like it might be an entertaining movie the other night. My judgement isn't flawless. In fact, it's been downright sketchy the past few months. FOCK.

I worked with a 435lb man this evening. I honestly hesitated before asking him if he wanted to do some ab-work. I mean, come ON. Nice enough fellow, but I think (just my opinion here folks) that paying 30 bucks a few times a week for this is pointless...If it were my call I would get this guy out doing road work (walking, biking, walking some more) five, six times a week until he lost that girth (I said girth). When you can see your toes, THEN let's get back to the weights. Just me. Whatever.

I also had an opportunity to talk to the daughter of one of the octogenarians that I've been training the past few weeks. The daughter called from Philly, and I spoke to her at length about her mom. She was ecstatic that her mom had decided to start doing this for herself, and she wanted to purchase the next three months' sessions for a Mother's Day gift. I think she enjoyed hearing me talk about how well her mother was doing with her training. I wasn't making any of it up though-Her mother is continually showing improvements, complains less than some of the 18 yr olds I work with, and gives me a hug when she leaves each time.

(I miss my grandma after typing that)

Oh, and I picked up a dvd of Felix the Cat cartoons a while back for a buck. KICK. ASS. They don't make kids cartoons where the characters get sloshed on moonshine and trip out (anymore). No sound either...I think it would make for an interesting background if you had it playing at a party...

But hey-just rambling. :)